the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
