my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
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