You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
That guy has been pretty randomly in and out of my vagina for 4 years...I don't think I'm required to tell him when I'm dating.
Good point.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
