There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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