i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
