Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
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