i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
