The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
