I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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