I painted my nails silver
And what are the implications of that?
Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
