looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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