When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
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