3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
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