Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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