there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
