i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
