ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
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