Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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