Just fell off a train. Bad.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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