What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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