she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
It really does creep me out though that the next ten years will involve my friends creating smaller versions of themselves because to be honest I don't know how much I like some of them. So that thought it really scary
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
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