I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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