she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
40s are totally the cure
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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