Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
