apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
