just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
