guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
