I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
