Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
