It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
