I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
