I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
Sacagawea was the original milf.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Randomize
