I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Randomize
