my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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