i may or may not be watching the land before time
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
Randomize
