he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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