Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
