I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
