I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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