I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You took a bar mat shot.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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