I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
