i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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