you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
