i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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