Please, let me fuck your mom
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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