so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
