Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
