I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
