based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Randomize
