what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
