Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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