u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
Randomize
